Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Awwww...Valentines Day. It's the day that many love and the day that many dread! For me, I have experienced both the joy of the day and much heartache associated with it as well.
Since a young age I have deeply desired a romantic life, only to experience disappointment after disappointment. As soon as I thought I had obtained what I wanted, I would start to see it slip away....
I had pretty much given up on LOVE...
UNTIL! I realized just what I was doing WRONG! I was always waiting for "him" to give me what I wanted. I was waiting for my true love to show up, or waiting for the guy I was with to "get it together" and give me the love that I wanted.
When I realized that I was giving away my power and the life that I wanted was resting upon what men were doing or not doing for me, I was able to turn things around for myself.
I decided that the amazing love story that I wanted only ever beings NOW! I began to create a beautiful love affair with my own life. I chose to open my heart to men and my goodness did they ever show up! I would like to show as many women as possible how to do this for themselves. It is all within you, but it is nice to have someone point that out:)
Now I know my boyfriend is coming up with some sweet things to do for me on Valentines Day and that feels really nice and I am thankful for it. But what feels really AMAZING is the things I am planning to do for myself and everyone I LOVE!
Here are some things I have thought of that really LIGHT MY FIRE!
* Buying myself some dance classes...something fun and sexy like Salsa, Tango or West Coast Swing
* Or maybe I will get myself a massage...yes that sounds nice!
* Preparing a candle lit dinner for my kids
* Maybe I will go soak in some hot springs and have a long, relaxing meditation! Mmmmmmmm....
* I will keep it to myself what I am planning to do for him ;)
All these wonderful things light me up, make me feel happy, connect me with my feminine glowing essence.
In the end, you are the one you are in relationship with! Partners may come and go...but you will always be with you.
Give yourself what ever it is that you are wanting from others and become the love of your life!
I hope you choose to make tomorrow a day of romance no matter what your relationship status is! I wish for you love, beauty, and joy!
Sincerely, Melanie Williams
P.S. Meetup groups will be starting up in March. Details coming soon...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Disrespectful Child
Parenting is hard. That
was my story.
It felt like a constant burden to me.
I imagined myself FREE again in about fifteen years when all my kids
were old enough to move out.
It’s not that I didn’t deeply LOVE my
children, I certainly did.
But parenting felt like a 24/7 job that I rarely got to take
a break from. I didn’t feel respected. I felt like a push over.
My oldest son and I clashed….our personalities, our beliefs,
what we wanted, nothing seemed to fit. He was so disrespectful. He argued with
most everything I said. He didn't obey easily.
It seemed like everything was a fight with him.
One day in the midst of an epic battle…
I PAUSED
Instead of the stream of thoughts like:
was my story.
It felt like a constant burden to me.
I imagined myself FREE again in about fifteen years when all my kids
were old enough to move out.
It’s not that I didn’t deeply LOVE my
children, I certainly did.
But parenting felt like a 24/7 job that I rarely got to take
a break from. I didn’t feel respected. I felt like a push over.
My oldest son and I clashed….our personalities, our beliefs,
what we wanted, nothing seemed to fit. He was so disrespectful. He argued with
most everything I said. He didn't obey easily.
It seemed like everything was a fight with him.
One day in the midst of an epic battle…
I PAUSED
Instead of the stream of thoughts like:
- He should obey me!
- If he respected me, he would lower
his voice. - I have failed in this relationship.
- I need to show him who is in charge!
Instead I LISTENED.
I HEARD HIM…
And what he was saying was true, just completely, and
utterly true.
In that moment I FELT grateful and I respected HIM. I
respected him for telling me the truth. For being brave enough to do it in the
best way HE knew how.
I thanked him and said, “You are right, I hear you now.”
And he looked at me and I saw something that I had not seen
in a long time…
it was the look of, RESPECT.
I began to experience parenting in a very different way after that. I began to question my beliefs about my children and slowly parenting became easy, fun and even peaceful.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Judge Me
Judging
Today I shall judge
nothing that occurs,
and throughout the day
I will remind myself not to judge.
~Deepak Chopra
Try to imagine a day without judging.
A day without sizing people up, without
projecting your own morality on the rest of the world.
What would it be like to
simply experience life, others, and ideas without taking premature mental
positions?
Can we perceive without judging and categorizing our perceptions? If we could simply choose to not judge, what would life be like? Would we experience it differently?
Can we simply choose not to judge?
As a child I remember one of the first spiritual concepts that I was
taught was not to judge. I had no idea what that meant. In fact, I asked my
nine-year-old twin daughters what it means to judge. They didn't know what it
meant but they knew that you shouldn't do it. This is a concept that I
personally continued to try and live and also teach until a couple of years ago
when I realized that I, and everyone I knew, judged all of the time.
We judge.
Yes, that is what we as human beings do.
It is almost as if there is a part of us that has been given the full-time job of judging. Can we fire this part of us?
If we could,would want to?
Although, we are consistently labeling and categorizing the people and events in our life,
many of us hold the awareness of the suffering and separation that our
judgments can create. Thus, the admonition to stop judging abounds in our
religious texts, in the classroom, our homes and even on the social networking
sites. As soon as we began to label another as “judgmental” our hypocrisy is
being revealed. Even the popular catch phrase
“don't judge” alludes to layers of prejudgment.
In my experience, you can't just tell yourself not to judge and expect that you will
able to do it. It may in fact cause a lot of frustration to try to enforce that
upon you. The ability to suspend
judgments or to relinquish them comes through a leap of consciousness. When one realizes that the prejudices they hold cause them pain, not the people or events that they are judging.
There are things that you can do to begin to develop the ability to suspend
judgment. But beware, you will fail.
With that being said, it can be a great benefit to learn some simple skills.
First of all, allow your judgments. Yes, that
is right. There is no need to judge your judgments. Simply notice them. Notice
to whom you have a tendency to judge. Write down your judgments. Question
whether or not they are accurate. Ask yourself if what you are seeing and
judging in another is also in you. The virtue of humility precedes the ability
to suspend judgment.
Practice being fully present, which means to stop thinking about the past or worrying about
the future. Simply be whenever you are and whomever you are with fully. Listen
inventively and communicate authentic thoughts and feelings. Another useful
practice is to bring your attention to what you are feeling in your body and
notice your breathing. This is an instant way of getting out or your head. To answer
the question:
What would it be like to simply experience life, others, and
ideas without taking premature mental positions?
In my experience the answer
is, blissful. For the periods of time that I have been able to suspend judgment
and instead be fully present with the people in my life I have found it to be
an amazingly peaceful experience. I have noticed that when I am not judging, it
is easy to fully enjoy and appreciate my life.
Today I shall judge
nothing that occurs,
and throughout the day
I will remind myself not to judge.
~Deepak Chopra
Try to imagine a day without judging.
A day without sizing people up, without
projecting your own morality on the rest of the world.
What would it be like to
simply experience life, others, and ideas without taking premature mental
positions?
Can we perceive without judging and categorizing our perceptions? If we could simply choose to not judge, what would life be like? Would we experience it differently?
Can we simply choose not to judge?
As a child I remember one of the first spiritual concepts that I was
taught was not to judge. I had no idea what that meant. In fact, I asked my
nine-year-old twin daughters what it means to judge. They didn't know what it
meant but they knew that you shouldn't do it. This is a concept that I
personally continued to try and live and also teach until a couple of years ago
when I realized that I, and everyone I knew, judged all of the time.
We judge.
Yes, that is what we as human beings do.
It is almost as if there is a part of us that has been given the full-time job of judging. Can we fire this part of us?
If we could,would want to?
Although, we are consistently labeling and categorizing the people and events in our life,
many of us hold the awareness of the suffering and separation that our
judgments can create. Thus, the admonition to stop judging abounds in our
religious texts, in the classroom, our homes and even on the social networking
sites. As soon as we began to label another as “judgmental” our hypocrisy is
being revealed. Even the popular catch phrase
“don't judge” alludes to layers of prejudgment.
In my experience, you can't just tell yourself not to judge and expect that you will
able to do it. It may in fact cause a lot of frustration to try to enforce that
upon you. The ability to suspend
judgments or to relinquish them comes through a leap of consciousness. When one realizes that the prejudices they hold cause them pain, not the people or events that they are judging.
There are things that you can do to begin to develop the ability to suspend
judgment. But beware, you will fail.
With that being said, it can be a great benefit to learn some simple skills.
First of all, allow your judgments. Yes, that
is right. There is no need to judge your judgments. Simply notice them. Notice
to whom you have a tendency to judge. Write down your judgments. Question
whether or not they are accurate. Ask yourself if what you are seeing and
judging in another is also in you. The virtue of humility precedes the ability
to suspend judgment.
Practice being fully present, which means to stop thinking about the past or worrying about
the future. Simply be whenever you are and whomever you are with fully. Listen
inventively and communicate authentic thoughts and feelings. Another useful
practice is to bring your attention to what you are feeling in your body and
notice your breathing. This is an instant way of getting out or your head. To answer
the question:
What would it be like to simply experience life, others, and
ideas without taking premature mental positions?
In my experience the answer
is, blissful. For the periods of time that I have been able to suspend judgment
and instead be fully present with the people in my life I have found it to be
an amazingly peaceful experience. I have noticed that when I am not judging, it
is easy to fully enjoy and appreciate my life.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Please Leave the Toliet Seat Up!
How little annoyances are really big blessings.
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction." ~E.F. Schumacker
As a child I would frequently notice adults getting angry over what I perceived as the dumbest most pointless things ever. In my naïve (or maybe brilliant) little mind I couldn’t fathom why a person would choose to find upset in things like ‘spilt milk’. Yet here I am noticing that it has also become my way of dealing with things. I am thankful to say that I am now slowly, but surely, undoing my way of doing.
I once heard an “expert” infer that the greatest stressors are not found in the big life altering events but in the little frustrations of day to day living.
I find that very interesting, and I can say that so far it has been true for me. It amazes me at times all that I can handle, and especially the things that I really can’t seem to handle well at all.
Here is the breakdown (not literally)…
CAN HANDLES:
Divorce
Illness
Car accidents
Financial Distress
Death
Economic Meltdowns
Abuse
Depression
CAN’T HANDLES:
Houseflies
Dropped calls
Bikes left out on the lawn
Onion breath
Flyers, handouts, paperwork
Slow computers
Untrimmed mustaches
Dandelions
Pokemon, Digimon, anything ending in “mon”
Could there be a lesson to learn in everything? Even in the big things that we love and in the littlest things that bug?
What if we began to question are opinions on all of our annoyances, instead of proudly proclaiming them as simply “apart of our personality,” and finding connection through complaining. Maybe, these little things are not so much distracters from our purpose in life, but directors.
If my child comes to me with peanut butter and jelly all over their face, hands and clothing, what is my purpose in that moment? Is it my purpose to scold and correct them? Maybe, or we might invent a new purpose: to experience joy and good humor?
To Do:
Ask for “new eyes.” Go within and give yourself permission to see things differently. Don’t be surprised if your mind rejects this idea. It wants continuous proof of its own rightness. Instead, ask your heart which is much more generous than your mind.
“Reality is much kinder then the stories we make up about it.” ~Byron Katie
If my spouse continuously forgets our anniversary, what is my purpose in that? Is it to feel sorry for myself and see my partner as a villain? Yes it is, until it becomes my purpose to REMEMBER all that makes the relationship beautiful and sacred.
To Do:
Consider: If God is loving and the universe supportive, what is the highest thought that I could have about this situation?
If your grandmother keeps knitting you strange looking beanies, is it your purpose to be annoyed? Or maybe it could be your purpose to let the gift warm your heart instead of your head.
To Do:
Wonder: What is the deaper message here? What is truly trying to be conveyed?
I love this quote which I think sums it all up very well…
"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." Lao Tzu
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Radical Honesty II
So the question is: CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
By: Melanie Williams
Everyday a different package is left on our front doorstep with the invitation to open it. Every time the package is presented differently. Sometimes it is crudely wrapped and hastily dropped off; other times it is wrapped attractively and with care.
Each package holds in it a great gift, that gift is: Truth.
Not necessarily ultimate truth, but someone’s truth in the moment. Their thoughts and feelings, judgments and stories…their experience. With each presentation we have the opportunity to receive this gift wholly and learn from it, or reject this gift and become (oh no, I am going to say it) offended.
If you are offended, you are confused. If you are offended you are missing something; and that something is the most important part of the message.
Here are some messages that are frequently met with defensiveness:
“You never listen to me.” ~ Now here is a chance to really listen!
“You don’t accept me the way that I am.” ~ Can you accept that this is their judgment in the moment?
“ Are you expecting a boy or a girl?” ~ You may not have been expecting a baby, or that comment, but what you can ALWAYS expect from life is the opportunity to be offended or amused. You pick.
Truth is not going to wait for your approval, it’s landing on your doorstep anyway. Are you brave enough to open the gift?
HOW TO FULLY RECEIVE YOUR GIFT:
Find it. It is in there somewhere. That humble place that understands, admits,
shakes-hands, and concedes. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? Can they be right? Can I see where they are coming from?” Stubborn defense is the stuff hell is made of. Or as a great mentor once taught me, “You get to be right, or you get to be happy.”
2. Stop taking it personally. Whether or not you can find understanding or a degree of truth in someone’s judgment of you, ultimately, his or her opinion of you has nothing to do with you. It is based upon their paradigms and their homespun stories about what they think you are. If you want to live your life running around in circles like a dog chasing his tail, I suggest trying to always please everyone…or anyone at that. Instead of dizzying your friends and family with your attempts at pleasing, throw yourself a bone and take a nap under an oak tree.
True service done in the spirit of love and without an attachment to the outcome is very fulfilling. Service done with only a result in mind (like pleasing) and with disregard for what is honest for you is manipulation.
3. Express gratitude for the blessed opportunity to remember the truth, to see more clearly, to love more unconditionally. And for one of my most favorite things, the chance to be surprised!
If you are working to integrate these practices into your life and relationships, great! It is time to put up a welcome sign on your front door to greet your new best friend and companion. This wonderful friend is a partner to truth (you won’t find one without the other following closely behind) and that other, is PEACE!
By: Melanie Williams
Everyday a different package is left on our front doorstep with the invitation to open it. Every time the package is presented differently. Sometimes it is crudely wrapped and hastily dropped off; other times it is wrapped attractively and with care.
Each package holds in it a great gift, that gift is: Truth.
Not necessarily ultimate truth, but someone’s truth in the moment. Their thoughts and feelings, judgments and stories…their experience. With each presentation we have the opportunity to receive this gift wholly and learn from it, or reject this gift and become (oh no, I am going to say it) offended.
If you are offended, you are confused. If you are offended you are missing something; and that something is the most important part of the message.
Here are some messages that are frequently met with defensiveness:
“You never listen to me.” ~ Now here is a chance to really listen!
“You don’t accept me the way that I am.” ~ Can you accept that this is their judgment in the moment?
“ Are you expecting a boy or a girl?” ~ You may not have been expecting a baby, or that comment, but what you can ALWAYS expect from life is the opportunity to be offended or amused. You pick.
Truth is not going to wait for your approval, it’s landing on your doorstep anyway. Are you brave enough to open the gift?
HOW TO FULLY RECEIVE YOUR GIFT:
Find it. It is in there somewhere. That humble place that understands, admits,
shakes-hands, and concedes. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? Can they be right? Can I see where they are coming from?” Stubborn defense is the stuff hell is made of. Or as a great mentor once taught me, “You get to be right, or you get to be happy.”
2. Stop taking it personally. Whether or not you can find understanding or a degree of truth in someone’s judgment of you, ultimately, his or her opinion of you has nothing to do with you. It is based upon their paradigms and their homespun stories about what they think you are. If you want to live your life running around in circles like a dog chasing his tail, I suggest trying to always please everyone…or anyone at that. Instead of dizzying your friends and family with your attempts at pleasing, throw yourself a bone and take a nap under an oak tree.
True service done in the spirit of love and without an attachment to the outcome is very fulfilling. Service done with only a result in mind (like pleasing) and with disregard for what is honest for you is manipulation.
3. Express gratitude for the blessed opportunity to remember the truth, to see more clearly, to love more unconditionally. And for one of my most favorite things, the chance to be surprised!
If you are working to integrate these practices into your life and relationships, great! It is time to put up a welcome sign on your front door to greet your new best friend and companion. This wonderful friend is a partner to truth (you won’t find one without the other following closely behind) and that other, is PEACE!
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Radical Honesty
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This advice rings in the ears of children and adults everyday. Result: mouths close, hearts sigh...
The misinterpretation of this little piece of advice can cause more difficulties in relationships then any other belief that I can think of. Imagine the countless feelings, essential truths, and deep desires that are never expressed all in the name of "niceness."
One of the nicest gifts you can ever give another, or yourself, is the good old honest truth.
The excuse that is often heard for a person’s lack of authenticity is their desire to not hurt the other's feelings. Let's be honest here, what we are afraid of is hurting our "nice person" status. We are afraid of the consequences. When we are concerned about how others see us, our judgments become clouded and our actions warped, losing their effectiveness. The ability to create deeply intimate and transforming relationships is lost.
When there is an uncomfortable judgment and a corresponding feeling, we generally react to our experience with suppression, projection, or expression.
1) Suppression ...my personal favorite. That is right, holding it all in, pretending it never happened, distracting yourself with food, TV, addictions, scrap booking, etc...A wise man once said, "Depression is suppression." This is the most sinister of the three choices.When feeling depressed a good question to ask yourself is: "What essential truth am I choosing not to express in this moment?"
2) Projection. Getting loud, blaming, accusing. Contrary to popular belief, projection is another form of not fully feeling your feelings and is the act of "outsourcing" your problems or issues. We may give ourselves a pat on the back for being brave enough to say it like it is, but like suppression it is unhealthy. Although, you may experience immediate relief , in the long term it is not sustainable and can become a habit that is difficult to overcome.
3) Expression. The truth told in the attitude of consideration and of personal responsibility, may or may not be interpreted as being nice... depending on the receiver. Whether or not truth is received well is none of your business! Expressing your truth is your business! Here is the good news:
Despite initial reactions, the long-term effects of frankness are incredible.Truth tellers frequently report:
More intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Feelings of lightness and relief
Better sleep
Euphoria/Giddiness
Less drama
Peace of mind
Guilt free scrap booking...
Intimate and honest relationships; now that's radical!!!
The misinterpretation of this little piece of advice can cause more difficulties in relationships then any other belief that I can think of. Imagine the countless feelings, essential truths, and deep desires that are never expressed all in the name of "niceness."
One of the nicest gifts you can ever give another, or yourself, is the good old honest truth.
The excuse that is often heard for a person’s lack of authenticity is their desire to not hurt the other's feelings. Let's be honest here, what we are afraid of is hurting our "nice person" status. We are afraid of the consequences. When we are concerned about how others see us, our judgments become clouded and our actions warped, losing their effectiveness. The ability to create deeply intimate and transforming relationships is lost.
When there is an uncomfortable judgment and a corresponding feeling, we generally react to our experience with suppression, projection, or expression.
1) Suppression ...my personal favorite. That is right, holding it all in, pretending it never happened, distracting yourself with food, TV, addictions, scrap booking, etc...A wise man once said, "Depression is suppression." This is the most sinister of the three choices.When feeling depressed a good question to ask yourself is: "What essential truth am I choosing not to express in this moment?"
2) Projection. Getting loud, blaming, accusing. Contrary to popular belief, projection is another form of not fully feeling your feelings and is the act of "outsourcing" your problems or issues. We may give ourselves a pat on the back for being brave enough to say it like it is, but like suppression it is unhealthy. Although, you may experience immediate relief , in the long term it is not sustainable and can become a habit that is difficult to overcome.
3) Expression. The truth told in the attitude of consideration and of personal responsibility, may or may not be interpreted as being nice... depending on the receiver. Whether or not truth is received well is none of your business! Expressing your truth is your business! Here is the good news:
Despite initial reactions, the long-term effects of frankness are incredible.Truth tellers frequently report:
More intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Feelings of lightness and relief
Better sleep
Euphoria/Giddiness
Less drama
Peace of mind
Guilt free scrap booking...
Intimate and honest relationships; now that's radical!!!
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