So the question is: CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH?
By: Melanie Williams
Everyday a different package is left on our front doorstep with the invitation to open it. Every time the package is presented differently. Sometimes it is crudely wrapped and hastily dropped off; other times it is wrapped attractively and with care.
Each package holds in it a great gift, that gift is: Truth.
Not necessarily ultimate truth, but someone’s truth in the moment. Their thoughts and feelings, judgments and stories…their experience. With each presentation we have the opportunity to receive this gift wholly and learn from it, or reject this gift and become (oh no, I am going to say it) offended.
If you are offended, you are confused. If you are offended you are missing something; and that something is the most important part of the message.
Here are some messages that are frequently met with defensiveness:
“You never listen to me.” ~ Now here is a chance to really listen!
“You don’t accept me the way that I am.” ~ Can you accept that this is their judgment in the moment?
“ Are you expecting a boy or a girl?” ~ You may not have been expecting a baby, or that comment, but what you can ALWAYS expect from life is the opportunity to be offended or amused. You pick.
Truth is not going to wait for your approval, it’s landing on your doorstep anyway. Are you brave enough to open the gift?
HOW TO FULLY RECEIVE YOUR GIFT:
Find it. It is in there somewhere. That humble place that understands, admits,
shakes-hands, and concedes. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this? Can they be right? Can I see where they are coming from?” Stubborn defense is the stuff hell is made of. Or as a great mentor once taught me, “You get to be right, or you get to be happy.”
2. Stop taking it personally. Whether or not you can find understanding or a degree of truth in someone’s judgment of you, ultimately, his or her opinion of you has nothing to do with you. It is based upon their paradigms and their homespun stories about what they think you are. If you want to live your life running around in circles like a dog chasing his tail, I suggest trying to always please everyone…or anyone at that. Instead of dizzying your friends and family with your attempts at pleasing, throw yourself a bone and take a nap under an oak tree.
True service done in the spirit of love and without an attachment to the outcome is very fulfilling. Service done with only a result in mind (like pleasing) and with disregard for what is honest for you is manipulation.
3. Express gratitude for the blessed opportunity to remember the truth, to see more clearly, to love more unconditionally. And for one of my most favorite things, the chance to be surprised!
If you are working to integrate these practices into your life and relationships, great! It is time to put up a welcome sign on your front door to greet your new best friend and companion. This wonderful friend is a partner to truth (you won’t find one without the other following closely behind) and that other, is PEACE!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Radical Honesty
"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This advice rings in the ears of children and adults everyday. Result: mouths close, hearts sigh...
The misinterpretation of this little piece of advice can cause more difficulties in relationships then any other belief that I can think of. Imagine the countless feelings, essential truths, and deep desires that are never expressed all in the name of "niceness."
One of the nicest gifts you can ever give another, or yourself, is the good old honest truth.
The excuse that is often heard for a person’s lack of authenticity is their desire to not hurt the other's feelings. Let's be honest here, what we are afraid of is hurting our "nice person" status. We are afraid of the consequences. When we are concerned about how others see us, our judgments become clouded and our actions warped, losing their effectiveness. The ability to create deeply intimate and transforming relationships is lost.
When there is an uncomfortable judgment and a corresponding feeling, we generally react to our experience with suppression, projection, or expression.
1) Suppression ...my personal favorite. That is right, holding it all in, pretending it never happened, distracting yourself with food, TV, addictions, scrap booking, etc...A wise man once said, "Depression is suppression." This is the most sinister of the three choices.When feeling depressed a good question to ask yourself is: "What essential truth am I choosing not to express in this moment?"
2) Projection. Getting loud, blaming, accusing. Contrary to popular belief, projection is another form of not fully feeling your feelings and is the act of "outsourcing" your problems or issues. We may give ourselves a pat on the back for being brave enough to say it like it is, but like suppression it is unhealthy. Although, you may experience immediate relief , in the long term it is not sustainable and can become a habit that is difficult to overcome.
3) Expression. The truth told in the attitude of consideration and of personal responsibility, may or may not be interpreted as being nice... depending on the receiver. Whether or not truth is received well is none of your business! Expressing your truth is your business! Here is the good news:
Despite initial reactions, the long-term effects of frankness are incredible.Truth tellers frequently report:
More intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Feelings of lightness and relief
Better sleep
Euphoria/Giddiness
Less drama
Peace of mind
Guilt free scrap booking...
Intimate and honest relationships; now that's radical!!!
The misinterpretation of this little piece of advice can cause more difficulties in relationships then any other belief that I can think of. Imagine the countless feelings, essential truths, and deep desires that are never expressed all in the name of "niceness."
One of the nicest gifts you can ever give another, or yourself, is the good old honest truth.
The excuse that is often heard for a person’s lack of authenticity is their desire to not hurt the other's feelings. Let's be honest here, what we are afraid of is hurting our "nice person" status. We are afraid of the consequences. When we are concerned about how others see us, our judgments become clouded and our actions warped, losing their effectiveness. The ability to create deeply intimate and transforming relationships is lost.
When there is an uncomfortable judgment and a corresponding feeling, we generally react to our experience with suppression, projection, or expression.
1) Suppression ...my personal favorite. That is right, holding it all in, pretending it never happened, distracting yourself with food, TV, addictions, scrap booking, etc...A wise man once said, "Depression is suppression." This is the most sinister of the three choices.When feeling depressed a good question to ask yourself is: "What essential truth am I choosing not to express in this moment?"
2) Projection. Getting loud, blaming, accusing. Contrary to popular belief, projection is another form of not fully feeling your feelings and is the act of "outsourcing" your problems or issues. We may give ourselves a pat on the back for being brave enough to say it like it is, but like suppression it is unhealthy. Although, you may experience immediate relief , in the long term it is not sustainable and can become a habit that is difficult to overcome.
3) Expression. The truth told in the attitude of consideration and of personal responsibility, may or may not be interpreted as being nice... depending on the receiver. Whether or not truth is received well is none of your business! Expressing your truth is your business! Here is the good news:
Despite initial reactions, the long-term effects of frankness are incredible.Truth tellers frequently report:
More intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Feelings of lightness and relief
Better sleep
Euphoria/Giddiness
Less drama
Peace of mind
Guilt free scrap booking...
Intimate and honest relationships; now that's radical!!!
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