"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." This advice rings in the ears of children and adults everyday. Result: mouths close, hearts sigh...
The misinterpretation of this little piece of advice can cause more difficulties in relationships then any other belief that I can think of. Imagine the countless feelings, essential truths, and deep desires that are never expressed all in the name of "niceness."
One of the nicest gifts you can ever give another, or yourself, is the good old honest truth.
The excuse that is often heard for a person’s lack of authenticity is their desire to not hurt the other's feelings. Let's be honest here, what we are afraid of is hurting our "nice person" status. We are afraid of the consequences. When we are concerned about how others see us, our judgments become clouded and our actions warped, losing their effectiveness. The ability to create deeply intimate and transforming relationships is lost.
When there is an uncomfortable judgment and a corresponding feeling, we generally react to our experience with suppression, projection, or expression.
1) Suppression ...my personal favorite. That is right, holding it all in, pretending it never happened, distracting yourself with food, TV, addictions, scrap booking, etc...A wise man once said, "Depression is suppression." This is the most sinister of the three choices.When feeling depressed a good question to ask yourself is: "What essential truth am I choosing not to express in this moment?"
2) Projection. Getting loud, blaming, accusing. Contrary to popular belief, projection is another form of not fully feeling your feelings and is the act of "outsourcing" your problems or issues. We may give ourselves a pat on the back for being brave enough to say it like it is, but like suppression it is unhealthy. Although, you may experience immediate relief , in the long term it is not sustainable and can become a habit that is difficult to overcome.
3) Expression. The truth told in the attitude of consideration and of personal responsibility, may or may not be interpreted as being nice... depending on the receiver. Whether or not truth is received well is none of your business! Expressing your truth is your business! Here is the good news:
Despite initial reactions, the long-term effects of frankness are incredible.Truth tellers frequently report:
More intimate, fulfilling relationships.
Feelings of lightness and relief
Better sleep
Euphoria/Giddiness
Less drama
Peace of mind
Guilt free scrap booking...
Intimate and honest relationships; now that's radical!!!
Awesome article Melanie
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this powerful message.